Day 50 – A certain sort of sadness

It’s day 50. There are fifty days of summer behind me, and twenty days ahead. Twenty!

I looked at my “all the things I want to do this summer” list and you know, I haven’t accomplished much from it. All the plans we had laid out, how long 70 days actually seemed to be back then in the spring…

And I’m thinking this evening, have I made the most of each and every day? Have I laughed and loved and LIVED? Have I taken advantage of summer in the way I had always talked about doing? Will I be filled with regrets in another 20 days when summer is over and fall is here?

I’m running out of time…autumn is coming. The corn is tasseling, the hay is in, the tomatoes are ripening, the apples are on the trees. Signs for back-to-school blowouts are in all the store windows. The days are so much shorter and the evenings are so much colder. And, I’m not done yet. I’m not done yet. I’m not done yet. Not even close. I just want to have a re-do. I want summer to start all over again and to have those 70 days stretching out in front of me instead of fading out behind. I want to feel the hope of longer days to come instead of the dread of those horrible, ghastly, cold, dark short, short days that are not so far ahead of us.

After feeling sad about all of this for the past few hours, I’ve realized something really important. It’s not how many days I have left, or how many I’ve spent. It’s the fact that summer ends. It always ends eventually. And I’m just not okay with that. I could have reached every goal on that list and it wouldn’t have made a damned bit of difference. If summer was 365 days a year it still wouldn’t be enough for me. There are never enough days, never enough hours, to satisfy my need for summer. For those of you who are thinking, “Oh, you would miss the seasons.”, no. No, I wouldn’t. Really. Anyone who says that to me, well, they just don’t know me at all. If you could feel my heart racing and the tears I’m trying to hold back, and the full on screaming panic I’m fighting right now, you would know…I will never, ever, miss winter.

I may start a new blog to help me get through the fall and winter. My working title is “The 9000 miserable days of horrible darkness and cold that make me want to lay down in a ditch and scratch the skin off my own face while howling pitifully”. What do you think? Too long?

I hope you come back tomorrow…I’ll try to be in a better place. There’s no sense losing the last 20 days I have of summer to worrying about something I can’t control, or change. At least, that’s what people tell me.

 

 

Advertisements

2 Replies to “Day 50 – A certain sort of sadness”

  1. Although I love ALL the seasons, I can relate to the ‘summer is ending’ feeling. For me it was the end of summer came when I had to get my classroom ready for another year of school. July was for relaxing and regenerating, but then, it was August and I wanted to work in as much as I could before going back. It was a bit of a frantic ‘we have to fun before the time runs out’ feeling. Labour day was always kind of depressing so we’d make sure to go to the beach and spend the whole day right up until supper time, just lying in the sun with everybody else and pretending we had more weeks left.

    Like

  2. I get it…maybe not exactly the way you feel, but I would much rather have warm weather! I will never get used to winter either, never! And your next title, perfect😜!!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s